It seems we're both trying to reach the same point,

but we keep missing each other.

Wrong place, wrong time,

two worlds apart.

titbits from my iPhone Notes:

4 April 2016 ―

I realised that if there was one thing I'll be remembered for in my school by my teachers

and my classmates, it would, unfortunately, be how frequently late I am.

It's kind of funny and honestly a little sad to see my friends being so used to my absence from school.

Yet little see the regret, guilt and isolation that come afterwards.

28 April 2016 ―

I'm

Happy

I

Swear

That

I

Am.

31 August 2016 ―

So this is how it goes:

You see I couldn't quite fit the mold

So you decide to let me go

And everything else that was gold

6 September 2016 ―

All the things I've thought of but have slipped my mind.

They crawl back in an intrusive fashion, all at once, and with no mercy.

Too bad it's too late to say them.

Perhaps leaving these words unsaid will be the most selfless thing I'll ever do.

19 September 2016 ―

When will you learn

That you have no more time left

That you cannot afford to screw up again

That you have no more second chances

That you will jeopardise your hopes and dreams at this rate

That you and only you can save yourself

That you have to be strong

That you cannot fall

That time waits for no one and you can't look back

That 33 is not acceptable

That 27 is not acceptable

That --- JC will only be open to the deserving ones

That you cannot give up

When will you learn

19 September 2016 ―

Turned away one too many times

and even the strongest of wills will be dejected and turn around,

just as they were asked to do

Already weak from the start,

I called out to you so many times, too many times

My heart is frail and my patience has been tested and torn apart

How long more will my naivety last me, I do not know

Do not take my kindness for granted

Do not take me for granted

For one day I'll stop giving in

and worst, I'll stop caring

30 September 2016 ―

Maybe you'll find someone like her.

She,

who watched you so intently when you laid your head down to rest,

a sight that gave her a heavy heart.

9 October 2016 ―

When you think of me, I wonder if you'll come here

and take the same path we took many moons ago

13 October 2016 ―

Stale love

It used to taste like strawberries and cream on a hot summer's day

Delightful as a child's candy

A sight as pretty as blossoms descending from above,

adding colour and joy to the dull sky

All of which has unfortunately faltered

It now feels like the bitter taste that grabs onto your tongue when you're unwell

A throbbing headache you can't stand to ignore any longer

The love I have for you has turned stale

17 October 2016 ―

Chinese wordplay

习欢 / 喜惯

勇弃 / 放气

望想 / 希妄

累水 / 泪了

(think about it..)

17 October 2016 ―

If you're lost, you're on your way

Expect difficulty

19 October 2016 ―

I'm the most insecure person I know

20 October 2016 ―

What isn't meant to be, isn't.

26 October 2016 ―

A friendship transaction

24 November 2016 ―

I just can't seem to think of anyone else.

The end of June, when the sunsets were blazing, our friendship bloomed from a separate mistake

Four hours of non-stop conversation;

of me pouring my heart out, telling you things I never would've thought of saying

Into the wee hours, you listened from 10 kilometres away, while I rested under the lights

Sleepy eyes, the both of us, the next morning

I felt so thankful

The start of July, we sat under the stars together for the first time

and we talked about what, I can't remember, but

I felt so thankful

Since then so many images of sunrises, sunsets and of your face have surfaced

Late August, I'd say the peak of this short-lived journey

Though my spirits have been dampened by the downpour in June,

the breeze in August took the smog with it

We ate, we laughed, we sang

and  _   _ _ _ _ _

I felt so thankful

Then one night, under the stars once again

You told me a heart-shattering tale in an ironically cool and calm manner

Your words caught my tongue and I didn't know what to say or what to do

I felt so thankful

your attempts to said goodbye had failed

and you were sitting right there in front of me

What you said reaffirmed how important you were to my life

and how much I loved and needed you

What would I have done at my lowest points?

I felt so thankful

for you

That was when I bought Alfred

Then the storms of mid-September came

Neither of us was ready for them

We were caught up by other schoolwork, other friends, other other things

but each other

We spent less time together and I cannot say I wasn't disappointed

We became more and more wary of each other's words

We fought.

We talked less

I thought more

I started staying up late looking through old pictures we took together

They brought me so much joy at first

Then I realised they were all in the past

Same with old conversations

I went through one year's worth of chitchat between us

and apparently so much has changed

The frequent 'how's the day' has turned into us apologising every odd day

Haha

The way you speak sometimes — aloof and cold

It never fazed me up until recently

Even more recently I've learnt to swallow my voice just to keep them from your ears

I'm sorry but I'm tired

I'm tired of trying and trying again to no avail

I'm tired of crying

Perhaps it's my fault this ship is sinking

Perhaps it's just life with its turn of events

Perhaps we're both too obsessed with the idea of recreating moments and we haven't learnt that it's impossible to do so

I'm sorry, perhaps I'm just taking the easy way out

 Now I have no one to call on Saturday nights

Now I have no one to sing with under the stars
Now I have no shelter in the rain 

Now I have lost my best friend

(were we best friends?)

We've hurt each other

We've shared bits of our lives with each other

We've been there for each other

We've made full use out of each other,

I've given and received, you too, have

Now our expiration date has been stamped on;

like transaction time stamps on a passbook

it's running out of space

This three-month short transaction has got to end

it's taking a toll on us

'TWEEN DUSK AND DREAMS ➖ KENTARO SATO

sang by The Vocal Consort

Well,

I could be bias for posting the version by TVC

but I remember watching this as a member of the audience in 2014

and being completely blown away by it.

This song is so good and choral music in general,

is just soothing and easy to listen to.

Other songs would be 'A Montage' by Nelson Kwei

and 'Entreat Me Not to Leave You' by Dan Forrest.

Watching these choir performances made me

pretty reminiscent of when I performed. :'(

These days it feels like something is lacking

and I realised how happy choir made me.

Oh wellz,

life goes on.

AND

I still update certain things of my life on my VSCO Journal,

something like a mini blog.

So if you're interested:

http://vsco.co/averyhuisi/journal/huisi

'Tween Dusk and Dreams

by

Glen North

Where rainbows bow and willows creep

Where sunlight glows and moonbeams creep

Where shooting stars embrace the sea

'Tween dusk and dreams you wait for me

We sat within a field of green

Staring at the peaceful scene

Stretching far as we could see

Were flowers blooming bright and free

On glowing sand kissed by the sun

Your warmth was there for everyone

As sunlight cast its parting glow

Sinking 'neath waves we watched it go

We sat beneath wise autumn's oak

Caressed the the bark with tender stroke

 As colours changed and leaves they fell

We said a silent last farewell

We sat amidst the snow's descent

Like white rain from the heaven's sent

Breath condensed before your face

I held you in our last embrace

We gazed up at the sombre sky

With quiet calm you then reply

"Though in Spring you'll begin anew

In the next world I wait for you"

Where rainbows bow and willows creep

Where sunlight glows and moonbeams creep

Where shooting stars embrace the sea

'Tween dusk and dreams you wait for me

'Tween love and loss you wait for me

星星
已经升起
朋友，你在哪里

虽然 相逢 遥遥无期
但 珍贵的友谊
怎能忘记？

CAN'T SLEEP LOVE ➖ PENTATONIX

What a cheerful and joyous song!!!

I won't believe you if you said you could resist the urge to

break out into dance while listening to this.

A great feel-good song.

They sound good

but great live.

"Am I just afraid of lovin'?

Or am I not the lovin' kind?"

Guilt runs through my veins,

through the warm, thick liquid that covers every inch of my body.

It's weighing me down. 

As if the foul taste of iron in blood

had become tangible,

solidified into actual metal.

I can no longer lift myself up.

Perhaps it's time to 

rip my heart out,

my beating heart that is circulating this atrocity in me. 

No longer will I have a palpitating load

and all bodily functions would cease. 

Then I could no longer run from the issue,

run from myself. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS MR. LAWRENCE ➖ RYUICHI SAKAMOTO

Has easily become one of my favourite, if not favourite piano piece.
It's so so so so good.
It's sad but so beautiful at the same time.
Here's the best version of it I could find on YouTube
but I think the one on Spotify is slightly better.
Pretty sure this will accompany me throughout the week
because piano/classical music aids in studying!
Hope everyone will not hate the entire course of the next two weeks
and somehow find joy in them. :-)

A close second would be Stone Cold by Demi Lovato.
I knew she had a great voice,
but this,
damn.
This will give you chills!!!

"happy for you, know that I am,"

hello
There is a rather big part of my life that I haven't spoken about here

and that is, choir.

I wanted to talk about it once back in 2014 but felt rather inadequate to.
I suppose it's finally time, 
time to collate everything since the beginning
and bring it to a close. :-) 

I was always self-conscious about my singing (and still am)
but the ambitious 13 year old decided to take a leap of faith.
And thus began my journey with choir
which genuinely changed my life in certain ways.
From gaining the experience of being on stage which has helped with my confidence
to getting to know some amazing people,
and most importantly,
the feeling of being part of a collective.

Started from the bottom

Now we here

I wouldn't dare say we are the most harmonious choir
(neither in terms of singing ahem 
nor in terms of closeness)
but somehow when I heard the recordings of us singing together,
watched videos of us moving as one,
and saw pictures of us singing side by side.
They fill my heart,
with warmth and passion.

Passion,
the fuel which drove to school on Wednesdays and Fridays
(especially last year when school wasn't 
the most appealing thing to me)
Most know that I always skip(ped) school
but would still make it for choir!!
(not exactly something worth mentioning.....)
And honestly those two days were the best days of the week.

Arts Fest this year was definitely one of the highlights in choir!!
Performing with them was so surreal
and every bit of it was satisfying.
What made it so great was really whom I was with,
and not exactly what I was doing and where I was.
I loved it, I really did.



It's easy to prioritise technicality, academic greatness
before everything else which makes it easy to forget that
we're a part of something big,
bigger than what others have to say about us,
bigger than what results have to say about us.
To me, that was the most important.
At the end of the day,
we're not going to recall the number of distinctions we've gotten,
we're going to remember the joy of performing onstage together,
the applause given to the efforts we've put in for months and months,
and those nerve-wrecking moments where our palms were
strewn in sweat backstage.
And even if it were for the distinctions,
it would be the moments of tears and exultations
because we know our hard work has paid off.

These shared experiences are going to be what
I'll hold the closest to my heart after leaving.

Alto pride!!!!

To the people who are still a part of choir,
the lovely juniors:
thank you for every bit of effort you've put in,
for making our remaining days so enjoyable.
I apologise for ever being skeptical about you guys,
your tokens of appreciation and company this year
really proved me wrong.
Remember that even if each practice isn't as fun
and you may have to deal with unpleasant things,
I hope you'll look at the bigger picture and realise
the fruit you'll reap will make it all worth it in the end.
Passion comes from within and
the sense of belonging comes from yourself
and isn't what others make of choir for you.
Good luck for your upcoming performance at SGH
(SET CLEAR PRIORITIES AKA THE ELDERLY)
and of course your SYF next year!!
❤❤❤

awwww

Right,
I've officially stepped down from choir after 3 plus years
and I don't think it's completely hit me yet.
(Although I've had a taste of what a week without choir is like
and it was hell)
I'm honestly just too happy to be emotional right now.



Honourable mentions:

HMU, my after-choir partner

So much love for my giraffe-sloth hybrid

teh heh heh

My second favourite Weien

See u on Monday

Ivy!!!

I'll miss ya, u lil monster

My new son, Kim Jong Un

Thanks for making choir fun

"We're really proud of you"
I think what all the seniors wanted to say was...
We* love you guys

*except Glenys

Me, basking in happiness, 2016

I've once again plus'd 1 to my age,

what joy.

I know I always sound bitter in my posts but I promise this will be better!

Honestly,

at the beginning of the year,

all I felt was this mountain of responsibility loaded onto me,

there were so many more things for me to shoulder

and it was very different compared to the year before.

Most of what I heard from the worrying adults were,

"You're not a kid anymore,"
"You need to be more responsible,"
"You're all grown up now,"

All sound like noise I want to block out.

With O's coming up,

I believe life would be a lot more hectic from here on.

I'm also retiring from commitments such as choir and other fun stuff

to make time for more revision,

yay!!!!!!

can u sense my elation

Despite all the seemingly dreadful things approaching

in my sixteenth year of existence,

I found myself to be a more confident and comfortable person in general.

It feels great, actually.

Especially after the lovely birthday surprise(s) I got from my friends.

They made me feel immensely loved that day

and I'm thankful and love them for that.

❤❤❤❤

06/02/16

"You might gather the same materials and make identical preparations,

but you would never be able to duplicate the result."

— Haruki Murakami,

Colourless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage

This sentence (which was unfortunately translated from Japanese)

summed up how I (was) feeling that entire week. 

There have been days where really small, insignificant,

things that happened which made me really happy.

A lot of things took place which caught me off guard.

Being one who romanticises the past too much, 

I had thoughts of replicating it.

If I were to set up circumstances that caused them to happen,

it might just happen.

I'd be able to relive it.

But as the quote had foreshadowed,

it failed.
(Hell, I can't even take the same pictures,
much less recreate situations)

Even if it had happened,

it wouldn't be exactly the same,

it wouldn't live up to my expectations

for there are too many factors in between.

We can't take on the role of the creator where circumstances are within our control.

As disappointing as it was,

I realised that things could never happen twice,

so grasp onto every moment

as if because it is the last,

and as it ends,

let it be.

HOW I WANT YA ➖ HUDSON THAMES

Very mainstream, sticks out amongst my other

much more chill, indie-pop-esque songs.

But still good!! 

"tell me what to do,

just tell me what to do,"

"ooh how I want ya,

ooh I need ya, darlin"

Have a great week ahead

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(before i start, can we talk about this fre$h new theme ohemgee!!!1!)

It's officially the last day of January 2016!

Time flies (foreshadowing.....)

Somehow in this 31 days or so,

there has already been an influx of thoughts.
I hope you're ready for cynicism.

So here is whatever's been going on in my head: 

p.s. this is so ironic because...

I. SOCIAL MEDIA

Why the fuck do people put personal information

and problematic emotions on social media and not

talk about it to their friends/family/real people???

Clearly, I'm very guilty of this.

Am I the only one who feels 

"I wasn't informed of this??"

whenever I see something on social media.

Just realised how similar it is to sending me 

and your other 400 followers a fucking broadcast message.

rude

If you're unhappy, please try to talk to someone,

as hard as that may seem.

Because a picture and a vague, deep-sounding statement

is just a shout into the void

and is honestly making me feel awkward.

II. TIME 

I think the fact that I've signed up for the last year in secondary school 

and knowing another chapter of my life is coming to a close

is making time feel like it's going faster.

Must be the mixture of anticipation & fear.

Time is like the kid who stands behind the monitor of an arcade machine,

mashing the buttons,

controlling every action of the characters inside -- us.

Despite the definite set of rules that have been pre-set

and almost beyond the kid's controls,

the player always finds a way.

I met a friend in school the other day,
ever since last year,

our encounters seem to get more brief and meaningless,

as (you guessed it,) time moves forward.

As contradictory as it sounds,

I feel like we're walking miles and miles away from each other

every time we cross paths.

I seek a lot of comfort in him/her,

be it a glance or a greeting.

But he/she somehow reminds me of the cruel monster that goes 

with our without you,

that is time.

III. RESPONSIBILITIES

You know those forms they give out to you at the start of the year?

Asking you to write down information about yourself,

some of which are way too personal for a teacher

who probably has 0.00001% interest in you after 

seeing batches and batches of students leave year after year to know?

(did I mention I was cynical?)

Like your interests and strengths/weaknesses.

Like others,

it was quite difficult for me to identify my strengths

but for now I'd add 'running away from responsibilities' in.

Everyone's been yapping away about how critical this year was,

and would probably make or break your life.

YEA I HEARD U THE FIRST TIME

I know, we all know.

I'm trying my best.....

by writing this blog post at 1.23am.

I've been faced with a lot of uncertainties this month,

especially with what I used to call my fortes.

And also questioning the purpose of chasing,

chasing this 'dream', 'aspiration'

that the school has been trying to force on us with the 

overwhelming amount of career talks.

"Come here so you'll have a future so bright your eyes will burn!"

"If you don't equate to a single digit, please fuck off,"

society, amirite.

What do you want? 

At the end of all the sleepless nights,

empty pen barrels,

writer's calluses you've gotten?

A 9 to 5 job everyone says is stable?

Trying to squeeze in the train every morning 

while wearing office-appropriate attire?

hmm

For me,

my distant dream most would call unrealistic

would be to travel the world and have a taste of what each place has to offer.

Unfortunately,

it can only be attained if I work my ass off

till I'm 50 years old,

and look like a hideous hag

and hopefully have a lot of money.

By then I'll probably have lost all of the little to no wonder

that's still left in me

to appreciate skies with seamless gradients

or have the strength to travel.

That is why youth is wasted on the young

and that is also why you don't see me in school sometimes,

for I'm thinking of how everything and everyone's efforts

will cease to exist and become history or covered by foul dust.

IV. LOVE

Being surrounded by couples in school,

it's hard not to think about it.

Especially young love and its permanence/fragility.

Will it really be able to sustain?

or what the cool kids say:

'last long'

Personally, I have little to no faith in it

and also personally no experience whatsoever in this field.

Now, the only drawback I've found about being single

for my 15 years is that

I haven't been able to empathise with love/breakup songs as well,

diluting their enjoyability.
Perhaps reading the third point above,
you might know what kind of a shitstorm I'm facing right now,
so thinking of experiencing heartbreak
might actually, truly break me.
I mean it would've drove me insane
and fuel suicide temptations.
So to those who have been through breakups and is still alive,
I salute you.

So let's say you do get married,
I can't help but think there won't be happily ever after.
Humans, as animals aren't supposed to be monogamous in the first place,
so together5lyfe seems unrealistic.
Obviously I'm not saying it's alright to 'cheat'
because it's not.

Children.
Seriously, children?
I'm extremely against the idea of having children because
i. they are a pain in the ass to raise
ii. why are you bringing lives into the world to suffer
(unless you actually have the means to make him/her happy
like money, house, education, material, etc.)
iii. ...when there are so many children in the world
who can't even find enough water to survive
for you to help and adopt
iv. aren't you just narcissistic to want to create mini-yous
v. this isn't a fucking game, it's a life
vi. this also isn't a remedy to keep your marriage alive

If you think I'm being -ve,
considering I'm the child of a divorced couple,
man of 4 wives,
woman of 3 husbands,
you can't blame me for having such thoughts.

Love, though abstract,
kind of boils down to chemicals in your brain.

To sum it up,


🌑  🌑  🌑

I wanted to write something about cancer
but I was afraid people might get concerned
and also because it's now 2.35am.
Just realised I made it sound like I have cancer,
I don't.
I hope you've enjoyed this lengthy, rambly post,
all about MEMEME!!!!
exciting

thanks for making it to the end,
good night goofball