06/02/16

"You might gather the same materials and make identical preparations,

but you would never be able to duplicate the result."

— Haruki Murakami,

Colourless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage

This sentence (which was unfortunately translated from Japanese)

summed up how I (was) feeling that entire week. 

There have been days where really small, insignificant,

things that happened which made me really happy.

A lot of things took place which caught me off guard.

Being one who romanticises the past too much, 

I had thoughts of replicating it.

If I were to set up circumstances that caused them to happen,

it might just happen.

I'd be able to relive it.

But as the quote had foreshadowed,

it failed.
(Hell, I can't even take the same pictures,
much less recreate situations)

Even if it had happened,

it wouldn't be exactly the same,

it wouldn't live up to my expectations

for there are too many factors in between.

We can't take on the role of the creator where circumstances are within our control.

As disappointing as it was,

I realised that things could never happen twice,

so grasp onto every moment

as if because it is the last,

and as it ends,

let it be.

HOW I WANT YA ➖ HUDSON THAMES

Very mainstream, sticks out amongst my other

much more chill, indie-pop-esque songs.

But still good!! 

"tell me what to do,

just tell me what to do,"

"ooh how I want ya,

ooh I need ya, darlin"

Have a great week ahead

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

(before i start, can we talk about this fre$h new theme ohemgee!!!1!)

It's officially the last day of January 2016!

Time flies (foreshadowing.....)

Somehow in this 31 days or so,

there has already been an influx of thoughts.
I hope you're ready for cynicism.

So here is whatever's been going on in my head: 

p.s. this is so ironic because...

I. SOCIAL MEDIA

Why the fuck do people put personal information

and problematic emotions on social media and not

talk about it to their friends/family/real people???

Clearly, I'm very guilty of this.

Am I the only one who feels 

"I wasn't informed of this??"

whenever I see something on social media.

Just realised how similar it is to sending me 

and your other 400 followers a fucking broadcast message.

rude

If you're unhappy, please try to talk to someone,

as hard as that may seem.

Because a picture and a vague, deep-sounding statement

is just a shout into the void

and is honestly making me feel awkward.

II. TIME 

I think the fact that I've signed up for the last year in secondary school 

and knowing another chapter of my life is coming to a close

is making time feel like it's going faster.

Must be the mixture of anticipation & fear.

Time is like the kid who stands behind the monitor of an arcade machine,

mashing the buttons,

controlling every action of the characters inside -- us.

Despite the definite set of rules that have been pre-set

and almost beyond the kid's controls,

the player always finds a way.

I met a friend in school the other day,
ever since last year,

our encounters seem to get more brief and meaningless,

as (you guessed it,) time moves forward.

As contradictory as it sounds,

I feel like we're walking miles and miles away from each other

every time we cross paths.

I seek a lot of comfort in him/her,

be it a glance or a greeting.

But he/she somehow reminds me of the cruel monster that goes 

with our without you,

that is time.

III. RESPONSIBILITIES

You know those forms they give out to you at the start of the year?

Asking you to write down information about yourself,

some of which are way too personal for a teacher

who probably has 0.00001% interest in you after 

seeing batches and batches of students leave year after year to know?

(did I mention I was cynical?)

Like your interests and strengths/weaknesses.

Like others,

it was quite difficult for me to identify my strengths

but for now I'd add 'running away from responsibilities' in.

Everyone's been yapping away about how critical this year was,

and would probably make or break your life.

YEA I HEARD U THE FIRST TIME

I know, we all know.

I'm trying my best.....

by writing this blog post at 1.23am.

I've been faced with a lot of uncertainties this month,

especially with what I used to call my fortes.

And also questioning the purpose of chasing,

chasing this 'dream', 'aspiration'

that the school has been trying to force on us with the 

overwhelming amount of career talks.

"Come here so you'll have a future so bright your eyes will burn!"

"If you don't equate to a single digit, please fuck off,"

society, amirite.

What do you want? 

At the end of all the sleepless nights,

empty pen barrels,

writer's calluses you've gotten?

A 9 to 5 job everyone says is stable?

Trying to squeeze in the train every morning 

while wearing office-appropriate attire?

hmm

For me,

my distant dream most would call unrealistic

would be to travel the world and have a taste of what each place has to offer.

Unfortunately,

it can only be attained if I work my ass off

till I'm 50 years old,

and look like a hideous hag

and hopefully have a lot of money.

By then I'll probably have lost all of the little to no wonder

that's still left in me

to appreciate skies with seamless gradients

or have the strength to travel.

That is why youth is wasted on the young

and that is also why you don't see me in school sometimes,

for I'm thinking of how everything and everyone's efforts

will cease to exist and become history or covered by foul dust.

IV. LOVE

Being surrounded by couples in school,

it's hard not to think about it.

Especially young love and its permanence/fragility.

Will it really be able to sustain?

or what the cool kids say:

'last long'

Personally, I have little to no faith in it

and also personally no experience whatsoever in this field.

Now, the only drawback I've found about being single

for my 15 years is that

I haven't been able to empathise with love/breakup songs as well,

diluting their enjoyability.
Perhaps reading the third point above,
you might know what kind of a shitstorm I'm facing right now,
so thinking of experiencing heartbreak
might actually, truly break me.
I mean it would've drove me insane
and fuel suicide temptations.
So to those who have been through breakups and is still alive,
I salute you.

So let's say you do get married,
I can't help but think there won't be happily ever after.
Humans, as animals aren't supposed to be monogamous in the first place,
so together5lyfe seems unrealistic.
Obviously I'm not saying it's alright to 'cheat'
because it's not.

Children.
Seriously, children?
I'm extremely against the idea of having children because
i. they are a pain in the ass to raise
ii. why are you bringing lives into the world to suffer
(unless you actually have the means to make him/her happy
like money, house, education, material, etc.)
iii. ...when there are so many children in the world
who can't even find enough water to survive
for you to help and adopt
iv. aren't you just narcissistic to want to create mini-yous
v. this isn't a fucking game, it's a life
vi. this also isn't a remedy to keep your marriage alive

If you think I'm being -ve,
considering I'm the child of a divorced couple,
man of 4 wives,
woman of 3 husbands,
you can't blame me for having such thoughts.

Love, though abstract,
kind of boils down to chemicals in your brain.

To sum it up,


🌑  🌑  🌑

I wanted to write something about cancer
but I was afraid people might get concerned
and also because it's now 2.35am.
Just realised I made it sound like I have cancer,
I don't.
I hope you've enjoyed this lengthy, rambly post,
all about MEMEME!!!!
exciting

thanks for making it to the end,
good night goofball